new xanga for my daily ramblings
www.xanga.com/unknown_wound
i will still use this... bujt not for daily ramblings.... anyway... continue on with the post

im taking this time to write my most memorable moments of my life... and people.... i know its gonna be long... but... please read it... it just... all needs to come out.. and if ur not mentioned... i still love you...

1. the day i met vicky.. i would have never imagined she'd be my bestest friend in the universe... i love her so much... shes my only family... considering no one if my family gives a shit.

2. the day my father died. that man meant the world to me. i loved him more than life itsself... he was the only person that accepted me... understood me... loved me no matter what... and still was my family... i couldnt imagine life with out him... its so hard without him... even speacking about him now is making me cry. i miss him so much.

3. my first kiss... it was so cute.. not like french kiss. tap... it was in preschool... this kid russell... he pretended to drop a crayon.. and pulled me under the table with him and kissed me.. we have it on tape.

4. the day i met sammie... i always knew i wanted to be her friend.. she seemed like such a cool person.. shes such a great friend. i wouldnt have made it thru this year with out her. i love her like a sister yo!  baba bear lmao

5. the day al imed me and told me that thom was gonna ask me out... it was the 2nd happiest day of my life...

6. the day thom asked me out... the happiest day of my life... lmao... i liked him so much.. and things like that rarely happened for me.. i felt like the luckiest person on the earth.

7. the day thom broke up with me.. never will i forget the day... were i was ignored all day.. and then at the very last mement he could he broke it off... never will i forget those words "we have to talk" i fell in love with him.. and then it was over... i still havnt goten over it.. and its been 7 months... or well... in a few days it will have been 7 months....

8. the day i met sabina... she is such a cool person... she makes the day so fun ... and... the big spit... no explanation necessary

9. the day at the trainstation with thom and k-man... that day was so memorable "what are you doing down here... you slut" haha... that was such a funny day... sorry for scareing u off k-man lol...

10. the first time i went to thoms n heard his band play... they were ssooooo awsome... haha and als drums backn then were so facocted... and jill was soooo cute... i want one lmao...

11. the first day of kindergarden when i met suzie q... she was crying and begging her mom not to leave her... we became best friends

12. the 3 musketteers... me suzie and april... those were the good ol' days... the days where when choosing your barbies were the biggest problems in your life... and when your mom still dressed you... and the only thing that u got depressed about was that you still didnt know how to tie your shoes yourself

13. the day i met my little cousin... i was 5 and deathly scared of babie.. i thought she was satan.. i wouldnt go near her... but now.. shes a mini me... cept... she dispises me... jolly aint it

14. yesterday when i get a 3 hour speach on how much my mother hates me

15. a week after my dad died when i found out my mom got a bf already and i wanted to kill her

16. spring vacation... the best vacation ive ever had... i never had a frown on... i didnt regret a thing

17. if i could only say... sprry but its a secret... a secret ill never regret... a secret that im hoping to relive with more details the next time lmao...

18. the day my friends completely stopped talking to me... the worst day of my life besides the day my dad died...

19. the day i got my friends b ack... boy was i a happy camper.

20. yana... yana yana yana yana yana... gebus do i have to add details... i saw her... shes more beatuiful than ever... shes such an awsome person.. i love that girl... always have always will... its been shakey at times... but... ill always be there for her... she my buddie

21. my relationship with kirill... i wouldnt take it back for my life... i liked him for a long time... and the relationship was really good.. even the messing after it... i just wish we were still friends... things got so hostile between us after we stopped messing...we just stopped talking...

22. the fight with adar in 6th grade it was so funny...

23. elementary school relationships... so pathetic... so funny... i regret everything in elementary.

24 mrs smith... she was more than a teacher... she was a best friend.. never to be forgotten...

25. meeting andy... such a cootie pie... hes so sweet... such a good friend... such a goofball at times... haha num-nuts... one of the best people i know...

26. vitaly... hes so sweet... and he actually puts up with the shit i give him its so funny... i adore him so much... my buddie vitaly

27. miran.. that girl.... oy vey gavalt.... were gonna grow up and move into a skyscraper made out of jenga blocks... -WIDE EYES-"ANYTHING?????" i dont know how i would have gotten thru the last few months wiht out her... i met her only a few months ago... ut shes one of my bestest friends. i love her!!! my buddieeeee

28. meeting vanessa..  shes such a cool person and she taught me so much within one day of meeting her... shes oober cool

29. my first cellphone... i was such a freak back then... i had no idea what i was doing... i saved peoples name in like... numbers... and i never knew what i was doing... that stupid phone...

30. when my brother comfided in me and came to me for advice about his love life. i thought it was so sweet.... i was in 6th grade... and sometimes he still comes to me... i felt so... needed.

31. meeting liz and becomming close with her.. shes become one of my really good friends... i love that girll... shes so beautiful inside and out...if only more people would realize that.

32. my firend jessy... she doesnt read this... i havnt spoken to her in a week... i miss her... i go to her about everything... shes like my onler siser... ive known her my whole life... i dont know what i'd do with out her and her family... they are the best people i know.

33. ian.. i love that kid... hes so cool... and his band is the best!!!!! THE REJECT RULE!!!! and if only people would get to know him as well as i do... ian so many girl would hit on you if u'd just let them in... stop being so freckin shy!!!!

34. i forgot... thom himself... hes the most honest.. trustworth... kind... person i know.. with out him in my life i'd probably be completely crazy... he helped me thru so much... i admire him so much... ill never forget him

35 - meeting elaina... shes such a cool person... weve had our ups and downs... but were still staning strong... im here for u cuz... be there for me... i lov u... always!!!

36. everyone i know at fh... all you your so incredible... becca, helena, nikki, tally, gerson, robyn, louis, butnuts, bianca, june, jane, jenn, sandra, and everyone else!!!! you alll so cool... such amazing people cheel with...

37. peter... omg your soooo cute.... my brudar!!!! your roman jr!!

38. roman i love u buddy!!!!! your sooo cool! plur all the way haha... it didnt work for us... but ur still the coolest!!!!

39. joey i feel so bad u got shipped to france... you were sooo cool... 99 red ballons... COME BACK!!! WE MISS YOU!!!
"99 dreams I have had.
In every one a red balloon.
It's all over and I'm standing pretty.
In this dust that was a city.
If I could find a souvenier.
Just to prove the world was here.
And here is a red balloon
I think of you and let it go."

40. Anna... gebus... sorry i forgot eariler it wa sooo late at night and i was having trouble remembering things... annas the coolest!!!!!! im so happy for her that she has al and all.... she so nice.. and she deserves to be happy!!!!

41. kman... hes sooo coool... such a fun person to be around... everyone has had such an impact on my life... but this doode.... hes just oober cool!

42-unlimited havnt been created yet.. maybe they have... just.. i cant seem to remember... or they are planned just not finished yet... or i havnt met them yet

that got alot out of me... it helped... im gonna update soon and fill you in on whats been going on lately.... laterz

VANESSA!!! MOST OF THIS ENTRY... WILL BE..... HAPPY LMAO!

today i went to see yana with miran n andy... i met vanessa.... shes sooooo coooollll mahn... i missed that gorl(yana) SO0O0O MUCH YOOOO! that put a smile on my face :-p

then i went home ALONE.... almost got lost till the guy who was trying to hit on me(lmao) told me where to go... it was sooo sweet... then i got screamed at... cuz i was late... got all... dressed up... went to my cousins comframation.... thought about.... him(the beer lmao) and then since i was all pissy i kept giving my mom all these mean looks n she looked over at me.. .and said exactly these words "you know... i hate you" but hey.... i already kinda knew so i guess it didnt bother me as much

when i got home... miran called me... and i talked to her about everything that happened after we left each other.... n other stuff.... and what i read on someones xanga which was so pathetic... cuz he really doesnt know how to dis people out... and i never mentioned to his dean anything about drugs so i dont know where the fuck he got that from... it must have been someone else.... and there was a person who commented on it... i didnt fucking say his name once the whole fucking time i was at the 9th grade dean so he can go screw himself as well....

so anyway back to what i did today... omg it was soooo amazing... me miran n andy went over to yanas n she opened the door and i looked at her... OMG SHES SOOOOOO PERTIE!!!! i missed her sooo much and then we gave each other the biggest hugs .... and she wouldnt let me live down something that happened a long time ago... maybe not so long ago.. but still... so then we just chilled n andy kept saying shit that was... mean... so we smacked each others asses and i couldnt sit for 5 mins... n i dunnoo about him... "you wanna take this inside... WHA WHA!!!" and then we watched the video of yanas b-day at her country house.... sooooo cute.... BOOBIES!!! "boobs... none...... boobs.... none..." then vanessa THE COOLEST 17yr OLD I KNOW.... or.... am aquainted with lmao... n we went for chinese... omg... sooooooo funny... i dont think any of us ate more than... 5 bites of our food n we tried to leave with out paying... but NO000000 lmao... so we head over to vanessa... WALKING over the bridge.... HAAAA I DIDNT LOOK!!!! and we get to her apt. building n you hear all this music... and it was sooooo coool!!!!!! and we saw her kitty AWWWWWWWW!!!! and her mom came... omg i want a mom like hers... all... UP IN HERE YO! her room was soooooo cool... omg sooo was yanas... gesus people have to stop being neat... your making me look bad... AND I CLEANED!!!! o... n before we went to yanas we waited for her mom to leave... so we went to these... trillion bagillion stairs... lmao... we played lemon n mash... n chewed on wax...  today was so awsome.. i wish it didnt have to end... i wanna go back... and when it ends... press re-wind AGAIN!!!... AND AGAIN..... AND.... AGAIN!!!!!!

another topic thats been consuming my mind... lonleiness.... i cant seem to find a decent person... i mean my friends are GREAT... i couldnt live without them.... but iu mean some one.... like a partner... someone who truly cares about me... as more then a friend... most of the people ive "had" endeed up hurting me so0o0o unbelieveably much... one which i still havent gotten over... but thats a whole nother story.... maybe even in this entry.... but back to before... loneliness... its consuming me.... completely... i dont know what to do anymore... itslike... a puddle... you keep falling deeper.. and deeper... and deeper.... and such... ok... back to the other topic...

the one that i havnt forgot.....

gebus... he talks to me and i pratically cant breathe... the memories clog my mind... like a dam... and whenerei remember them... i want to cry... andscreamout loud YOU FUCKER!! but i dont.. i cant... which makes it hurt more... cuz its kept inside... hiden from all that may cross its path...  over... and over... and OVER AGAIN! trying to gopast this obsticle in my life hurts more than life its self..... in all actuallity... in decaying inside... a wound... this wound... it shall never heal... cause... never to be born again...

[UPDATE]

welll... anyway... today... i cut... with miran andy peter... thom and kman... ... yeaaaa...

back to the one that i cant forget... he broke my heart twice... and he sends mixed messages.... it hurts... everything hurts.... life isnt simple anymore... i wish i were young again... remember when we were young... and when we got depressed if out barbies broke.... you'd never imagine something like this to happen... once it does it scares the shit out olf you... barbie problems were sooooo much easier...

i need something tomake me happy... someone.... A SEA CREATURE!!! (lmao yana)

does anyone know what it feels like to have one person in your life that makes you cest breathing... makes your heart stop breathing... i used to... but like everyone else... he threw me away.... id give myworld from him back... but.... hey.... that'll never happen... but i still havent given up hope